Constant Fear

DSC_0081Every day a thought of what I might be doing wrong raising my son pops into my head.  I fear that something I say or do will somehow impact my son negatively.  I’m scared that somehow some little thing he sees me do will make an impact that will stay with him the rest of his life.  I fear I’ll be a disappointment to him and my wife as a father and husband as the years go on and with this constant fear I feel as though I’m failing them already.

This fear is tormenting.  It creates a burden that is hard to live with.  I constantly second guess the things I do for my family doubting anything I’m doing is right.

I commute to work by bicycle.  Some think I’m crazy for doing so through the streets of Chicago, but I can’t stand driving and feel I can get to work faster by biking.  I can’t say riding my bike doesn’t add to my stress as a father though.  Every morning and evening as I strap on my helmet and swing my leg over the seat I hope to have a safe ride.  No matter how careful I am there is always the chance of a mistake being made by either me or someone driving a car and that uncertainty makes me nervous.  How would my family do without me?  How would losing his father affect my son?

DSC_0072I know I shouldn’t worry about these things as much as I do, but it’s tough not to.  I want to make sure my son has both me and my wife around for many years.  I want to make sure we both do a great job raising him and influence him so he makes the right decisions as he grows older and becomes independent.  This is why I struggle with my fear of not living up to my potential as a parent.

I’m working hard at not letting these thoughts creep into my head when I’m interacting with my son and trying to only make happy memories as we play.  It’s a constant struggle to be positive for my family when in my head I am worrying about every little thing I’m doing and judging my ability as a parent.  Hopefully in time I can overcome my fears and truly enjoy the time I spend with my family and know that what I’ve done to raise my son is the best I could do and not worry if there have been mistakes made.

 

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About jharbottle7

I'm a husband, a father, want-to-be writer, struggling blogger and cyclist. Starting a family has changed my life and made me want to become a better person.
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