The car seat is in, the bassinet is set up and the clothes are washed. We’ve started to put together our hospital bag and get our game plan ready, because the day is fast approaching to when we’ll be bringing our son into this world. And yet with all the preparation I don’t feel ready at all.
I want to be honest here, and I’m not bringing up this next subject because I want to offend anyone, I just need to get it off my chest. I have a hard time listening to people telling me I’m going to be a great dad. I appreciate the support of those who care enough to tell me this and I know I’m going to need to hear it to keep me going, but in my head all I think about is the mounting pressure to not let them down. I don’t want to become the dad who screws up day after day because I’m an idiot after so many people thought I would be great. I know this is an irrational fear and I shouldn’t worry about that kind of stuff but when so many people keep saying it I feel like I will screw up. There, now that’s out and you can see how insecure I really am about my fathering abilities.
In other news, over the last week I’ve had at least three dreams where I’m holding my new son and showing him off to family and friends. I feel this is a sign he’ll be arriving sooner than later, but also it makes me feel I might actually be more ready than I think. I’m ready to hold him, cuddle with him, play with him and just enjoy having him in my arms. Having a child has been something I have wanted since my late teens, but knew it would be stupid then and that I needed to wait until I was ready to handle the responsibilities. That time is now, I think, and I am ready to shine in my capabilities as a caring father. (Yes, I’m very contradicting in this post. It’s because I’m both scared and excited and not sure how I should feel right now.) I’m mostly trying to get the things bouncing around in my head out so it’s less cluttered and more focused on what I need to be ready for. So as you can see I’m going to ramble about nonsense most of the time when posting here but I hope to also make some sense with the words I write.
I also want to say Happy Birthday to my wonderful wife! She is the reason I know we can be successful in this whole parenting thing because she is absolutely amazing and the rock in our marriage.